Boundaries seem to have become a hot topic in recent years and for good reason! Last year, I heard more and more about boundaries as people were transitioning from an office to working from home in life of Covid. Many of these people realized that they needed to set boundaries for work amidst a new juggle with a partner also working from home and kids schooling from home, too.
I’ve been practicing boundaries in some form for the last 5 or 6 years and have identified the need for and set more specific boundaries in the last 2.5 years. As I’d been hearing more conversations about boundaries, especially with work, it led me to consider what role boundaries play in managing conflict.
But, first! What are boundaries?
Boundaries are rules you set for the way you will interact with others in order to protect your mental health and well being. Healthy boundaries help to establish a personal identity as described in this Positive Psychology article. Not setting boundaries can be detrimental to relationships.
How do you set boundaries?
The first step to setting boundaries is observing yourself in interactions with others and identify what is triggering to you.
What upsets you?
What causes you to feel uncomfortable or resentful?
What causes guilt or shame?
Notice what your limit is when you reach a point of emotional upset, mental exhaustion, or increased stress. When you are able to identify specific people, specific topics, specific situations, etc. then you are able to name what limits exist within those.
This could be something like:
When I talk to X about Y, it makes me angry and that anger lingers to days after the conversation. So, going forward, I will not talk to X about Y. If X brings up Y, I will state that this is a topic I’m unwilling to discuss and I will change the subject without discussing further. If X doesn’t respect this and continues to bring up Y, I will end the conversation.
It could also be something like:
I’m not available 24/7 just because I’m working from home. My work schedule is 8am to 4pm and I will not respond to any calls or emails outside of that time frame. I will let my co-workers know that I can be reached within these hours only.
The key to setting boundaries is not necessarily to communicate the specific boundary to others, but rather to actually stick to your boundaries! When you are used to having no (or very few) boundaries, the transition can be difficult. If you set a boundary about work hours, communicate it to your co-workers, and then continue to regularly respond outside of those hours no one will respect the boundary.
How do boundaries minimize conflict?
Now that you have a review of what boundaries are, how to set them, and examples of them in action, you might be wondering: “so, what does this have to do with conflict?”
Think about those conversations or situations that upset you regularly…
Do you harbor resentment about them?
Do you think about them over and over again?
Do you get emotional about them?
Do you avoid certain people because you don’t want to find yourself discussing something that’s uncomfortable?
Avoidance eventually leads to conflict! Avoidance means you aren’t communicating fully and lack of or miscommunication is the main cause of conflict.
In closing...
I always say that honesty is generous and I firmly believe it. Being honest with yourself to set boundaries is step one. Being honest with others about what you will and won’t tolerate is step two. Following through over and over again is what follows. Eventually, you will notice that your overall health is improved and at some point, you may even be willing to engage people, conversations, and topics that were previously off limits.
Boundaries aren’t always a hard and fast line. It’s okay if your boundaries ebb and flow a bit. Just remember that people will respect them more the more you implement them!