Tips for finding joy amidst conflict and differing beliefs...
As mentioned in my last blog post, finding shared meaning is really vital to synergy and progress. This idea of shared meaning is the first thing I thought of once the election was called and friends were asking how to make amends with family members with whom they disagree. The second thing I thought was, “oh gosh! Family conflict is so hard.” And it is. There’s a reason I’m not a family mediator. 😉
It’s a lot easier to work on synergy and progress with co-workers or with fellow members of an organization than it is with your family. The questions are easier to answer because you have a company or organization with (hopefully!) a mission, vision, and/or values that drive so much of the work. You all joined the team likely because you agreed with those values and felt the work would be meaningful to you. Not all family units have the same beliefs, values, and morals, even if part of the same extended family.
To be very clear here – I do not have all of the answers about how to manage family conflict that is rooted in value systems. I am a human and I’m a constant work in progress. Definitely not perfect when dealing with my own family conflict and do not have it all figured out. Here are some things that have worked for me:
- Boundaries
- Non violent communication
Boundaries are especially important, in my opinion, going into the holidays if you want to avoid all political or other hot topic conversations. When someone brings it up, you can choose to remove yourself physically from the conversation or say something like, “I am not discussing [topic] right now.” Be direct and forthright to hold fast to the boundaries you set for yourself.
If you don’t set a boundary and want a way to engage that is clear and speaks for your own experiences, I would recommend following the non-violent communication. The books by Marshall Rosenberg are really amazing for so many situations, not just conflict with family, and have been valuable to my work in conflict. You can purchase the main book here.
Mediator in a Box™ is also a great option if you’re looking for a good framework for starting a tough conversation. Even if you don’t think the family member(s) you’re at odds with will sit down face to face and have a conversation, the box can help you consider what’s important to you, what feelings you’re experiencing, and start thinking of resolutions that would be satisfactory to you. When/if you’re ready, you can ask your family member(s) to sit down and chat with the box. It’s a great tool to set the stage for a conversation with a clear process.
