Why even bother with managing expectations?
You may be reading this and wondering what do expectations have to do with conflict and why should I even bother with this? I’m here to tell you from my own personal and professional experience that managing expectations (and boundaries but that’s another topic for another day) is vital to understanding and overcoming tough situations.
Keep reading to find out why…
What are expectations and who determines them?
Simply put – an expectation is a belief that something is going to happen in the future.
Everyone sets their own expectations of others’ behavior and performance. Sometimes, the systems and processes we are involved in demand expectations as well. There are also “social norms” which drive expectations.
Expectations can be very simple and also complex.
how do expectations cause conflict?
Oftentimes, we have unspoken expectations and our disappointment and frustration when they aren’t meant leads us to build resentment. I’ve been there. At work, with family, at home… expectations are normal. We all have them. When we aren’t able to see that the expectations are on us and that we are resentful because of our own rules is when conflict erupts. We confront others with our frustration and anger and they have no idea or understanding of why we are upset.
They have no idea about the expectations that have been set so there is no way they can meet them.
This is why it’s important to clarify your expectations, set realistic expectations, and then communicate them.
clarify expectations
- Understand what expectations you have of others
- Consider if those expectations are always, often, seldom, or rarely met
- Ask yourself if the expectations are reasonable
- Are the people you expect to meet your expectations aware that they exist?
setting realistic expectations
When you consider all the things above, work to set realistic and necessary expectations. We often hold too many expectations of others that aren’t necessary and certainly aren’t make it or break it. If someone takes an extra hour to reply to an email will that make or break a project? Probably not. Does it feel like it will under an intense timeline? Sure. It’s okay to feel stressed and concerned, but don’t put extra on to someone else without their knowledge.
Be realistic.
You can also ask the person(s) you hold expectations for what is reasonable for them. For example:
- How long do you need to reply to an email?
- How often do you expect to connect via phone?
- What else is on your plate right now?
- What are you current priorities?
communicating expectations
It is crucial, now more than ever, to maintain frequent, open, and clear channels of communication with family, coworkers, friends, etc. With the Covid-19 pandemic still impacting our ability to connect with others, communicating expectations is very important.
Always identify and share the WHY behind an expectation:
- Why do you expect X, Y, and Z?
- Why does it matter?
- How does it impact you/others?
Be kind. Be understanding. Be reasonable.
Communicate before conflict.